You weep with me

January 1, 2019 is starting out very differently than January 1, 2018.

The new year brings out everyone's annual social media posts reflecting on the previous year, and their hopes for the new year. I've seen so many of my friends sharing about how wonderful this past year was. How "good" 2018 was to them, and listing all of the wonderful things they count as blessings. I've started a post of my own several times, but I just can't put what I am truly feeling into a short and cute superficial Facebook post. This past year was the darkest of my life, but it was also filled with so much good, so much love, and so much praise. 

Have you ever been hopeful but heartbroken at the same time? The joy and the grief are intertwined? 

I spent New Year's Eve 2017 praying and hoping with everything I am that God would bless us with another baby. I woke up on January 1, 2018 filled with joy to find out we were expecting our third child. We were so thankful. So filled with joy and love. I remember my husband and I were both on the worship team, so we had to be at church early. Not only did we wake up to such wonderful news, but then we got to go give praise to God first thing in the new year. We walked around the church that day bursting with the purest joy, our eyes shining at each other, with smiles for the news that no one else around us knew yet. 2018 was going to be a wonderful year. 

Fast forward one year. I spent New Year's Eve 2018 praying and hoping with everything I am that God would bless us with another baby. This time, I knew I wouldn't wake up to good news. I knew that my January 1, 2019 would be a reminder of the same time last year. The joy I felt, and then of course, the darkest days and grief that followed the rest of my year. It would be a reminder of the year my son died. I carried him for 16 precious weeks before he was born in Heaven on March 28th, 2018. 

I had never known dark days like I do now. I have never felt grief like I have this past year. I have also never felt God's presence in my life as much as I have this past year. I have never felt His peace like this before, that peace that truly surpasses any and all of my understanding. I never felt alone. God never left me, not once. More than that, He made His presence known to me. He used people in my life, scripture, and music to reassure me and help heal my broken heart. Even in the dark, there was always light. 

I started this blog because I feel things very deeply, and often the only way to express myself is through writing. Music is how God speaks to me. Song lyrics move me. I feel music very deeply. I wanted to create a space to share how certain songs have touched my heart, in the hopes that someone else who reads it will hear what God wants them to hear. There were many songs that I clung to during my walk in the valley after my son died. I had a youtube play list, and still do, when I need to be reminded of God's goodness. 

I smile when I think of this Bible verse, because growing up in the church it was the first verse we all memorized. We were being silly because it's the shortest verse in the Bible. John 11:35.. Jesus wept. But now, oh how that verse speaks to me. For some context, in John 11 Jesus had just found out that His friend Lazarus had died. He went to where Lazarus was, and when He saw everyone there overtaken by grief, Jesus wept. He didn't shed a tear, He WEPT. Now, you know that Jesus brought Lazarus back to life. Jesus knew that Lazarus wasn't gone forever. He wasn't crying because His friend had died. Jesus was filled with empathy. 

God loves us. He loves us so much. He feels our pain and He shares in our joy. I believe that when sorrow comes, God is just as sad as we are. Even though He knows the plan. He knows the why and He knows the outcome. He loves us and feels our pain. As a Christian, fellow Christians often say things when trying to help others through a tough time. "It wasn't meant to be" "Trust in God's timing" "God's plan is perfect". While we know all these things to be true, a person in a period of trials or grief does not need to hear these things. I'm here to tell you that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to trust in God's plan for your life, and still be sad in the moment. Allow yourself to feel. God will still be with you even when it's hard. 

The song that I clung to (and still do) in my moments of grief is called Weep with Me, by Rend Collective. It was (and is) my reminder that I don't have to hide my sorrow. That when I am in a wave of grief, God is there. His arms of peace and comfort are around me, and He weeps with me. 

The chorus of the song says:
Yet I will praise You
Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows
Here I will offer my praise
What's true in the light
Is still true in the dark
You're good and You're kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe
You weep with me

I love this song for so many reasons. It gives me comfort and helps to heal my broken heart. It reminds me that God is still God, no matter what. It gives me hope in knowing that God has it all figured out for me, He cares for me. I just need to be still. I need to trust in Him, lean on Him, and praise Him always. 

2018 was what you could call a "roller coaster year", filled with so many ups and downs. We were expecting our third child. We grieved the death of our son. We rejoiced in God's faithfulness. We were given opportunities to share our story, a testimony to the God we serve. We had wonderful experiences as a family. We traveled together, we experienced the magic of Disney World and spent some time close to God in His creation at a few State Parks. My mom was diagnosed with cancer for a third time. My mom BEAT cancer for a third time. My husband was given a new position, one that has blessed our daily life and proves to be exactly where God wants him to be. 

Ups and downs. Hills and valleys.

What's true in the light is still true in the dark.

I am so thankful for a God who is the same no matter what. Who is right there by my side in the good and the bad. A God who is strong when I am weak. Who is the calm in the storm. Who offers hope when you feel all is lost. I pray that you would know God like I do. 

It's only because of God that I can move into 2019. I have so much peace about 2018, but I realize that I wasn't giving over to peace about the future. I completely submitted to God about what was, but was so wrapped up in myself about what was to come. The same girl who told God, I don't need to know the why, I will use this as a testimony to your great name, Is the same girl who still wanted to plan out my future on my own! If I'm going to accept God's peace about the past, I certainly need to rest in His peace for my future. So Lord, today I will choose to count every blessing in 2019. To find the joy in every day. To be content with where I am, and not wish away my days praying for more. 

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11