You're the Joy

I have been meaning to write this for a few months now. I want to share with you about my journey in choosing joy. As I sit here today with a hurting heart and tears that won't stop, it feels like the perfect opportunity... let me explain..

Do you choose {one word} for a new year? Instead of a "New Years Resolution" you choose one word to focus on for the upcoming year. My words the past few years have been things like "connect" and "focus". This year my word is JOY. 

In this world, there are troubles. There is pain, and suffering, and sorrow. But there is also a God who is always good. A God who promises to never leave us, and walks beside us while we are in the valley. A God who loves us so much. 

My plan for 2018 was not the same as God's plan for me. 2018 brought us loss; grief, confusion, pain, and deep sorrow. Along with those, it also brought us peace that passes any of our own understanding, the kind of peace that only comes from the Lord. It gave me a new sense of purpose, of powerful leading and shaping from a God who has things to accomplish for His Kingdom through my brokenness. It gave us a stronger faith as we clung to the precious words of God that reassured us, healed us, and encouraged us. It gave my husband and I an even stronger and closer relationship, one that always strives to keep God as the center especially in challenging times. "A cord of three stands is not easily broken" -Ecclesiastes 4:12 (our wedding verse) We closed 2018 with a peace that we will one day meet our son Silas in Heaven.

Peace about the things that already happened came fairly easy for me. Looking forward, peace about the future was not so quick to attain. I still had my own ideas for what I wanted. I was willing to give myself over to God for the past, but wasn't fully trusting in Him for my future! My word JOY for this new year was me saying, Lord I trust you and your perfect plans for me. Whatever they are I believe you will unfold them for me and I just need to be still. I decided to make a conscious effort to choose joy in my every day. You see I wholeheartedly believe that joy is not just a feeling, but something that you choice to be. Joy is not simply being extra happy. I define joy as something deep in your soul that only comes from Jesus. Joy comes from the fact that Jesus saved us, we have salvation and have been restored thanks to His sacrifice for us. Joy is a response to God's word, His promises to us and the good news of eternal life with Him. Because Jesus already covered us, he's gone before us, he loves us and wants us to be with him. God is for us, so who can be against us? Because of that, we can find our strength in the JOY of the LORD. Even when you feel weak, even when you are broken, even when you are in the deepest darkest valley; the Lord fights for you. Guess what? He's already won. 

When I say I'm going to choose joy, and find it in my every day; I mean that I am choosing to be content with exactly where I am today. I am counting every blessing that I have been given. I am trusting God with my future. I am celebrating the grace of God, and for His unending love. I fill my days with worship, serving others however Jesus calls me to, and checking in with Him through prayer. Because of what He has done for me, and continues to do, my heart is His. He is my song. He has turned my mourning into dancing!

That brings us back to today.

Oh friends, today. 

Today my wave of grief came strong. There was no stopping it. We had a baby dedication at church this morning. I really thought I was going to be okay, until I wasn't. I was singing on stage with the worship team, singing one last song before the dedication at the end of the service. We got to the last line of the song, The Stand, and I opened my eyes and looked out into the pews and saw the moms holding their babies. The ones who were to be dedicated and prayed over. In an instant, my heart just wept as my brain flashed an image of what could have been; my husband and I holding what would have been our six month old son. My bottom lip covered as I lowered my mic and I mouthed the last words of the song: 
So what can I say? 
and what can I do? 
But offer this heart, Oh God, 
completely to you.

The tears came as soon as my back turned and I started to walk backstage. I am so thankful for my friend and my husband who were right there with hugs and to let me cry. Even though I knew it would be so difficult, I felt like I needed to be in there for the dedication. I love the families and those babies who were currently up on the stage. We slipped in the back even though my tears continued to fall. The tears continued to freely come in waves for the rest of the day. 

Oh how heavy my heart felt. Just, all the things. Silas's first birthday in Heaven is in 11 days. These next few days I am going to be re-living each of my final moments carrying him, the last time I heard his heartbeat, the scary moments, the day we were told he had died, the night we had to tell our girls what happened, the day I delivered him and held his body in my hand. 

But you know what? Today when I was hurting in the very last row of chairs, I was again reminded of how much God loves me and has blessed me. Members of my church family who reminded me how much I am loved, validated my emotions, let me cry, knew exactly what I was feeling and didn't even need to say a word. Those beautiful people God has put in my life that see me, and can offer an understanding look and a comforting hug without saying a word. Oh if you were one of those people to me this morning I thank you and I love you. So you know what else I am going to remember? I'm going to remember all of the good. The friend who showed up to watch our children so my husband could go to the doctor with me. The doctor visit where there was no heartbeat that I planned to be by myself for, but God led her to serve us because He knew we were going to need her that day. She ended up starting our daughter's birthday party that afternoon when we will still at the doctor and not home in time. We are so thankful for you Laura! We will remember the outpouring of love and support from all of our communities; our friends and family, our church family, our police family, our home school family, our Happy Babies family. Oh how He loves us! What an amazing support system He has been setting up for us. The peace that followed and all the good that has come from our son's small footprint and short time with us. Most of all I will remember that our sweet Silas Peace was born into the arms of Jesus, and he will never know the pain, sadness, and suffering of this world. All Silas knows is true JOY in the Lord and I look forward to the day when we can sing praise to God together in Heaven. What a day of rejoicing that will be.

I can only go forward because God has already gone before me and is making the way. I find joy in His love, and His goodness, and His promises to me. Today He used His people to show me that love and goodness. I pray that you have Jesus people in your life that shine God's light on you, and that you get the opportunities to shine that light onto others. I pray that you would know true JOY, in the grace and mercy of a Savior who loves you like no other and is working out all things for your good.

Today I choose joy in the middle of my grief because of the hope and peace I have in Jesus. 


Joy by Rend Collective

We're choosing celebration
Breaking into freedom
You're the song of our hearts

We cast aside our shadows
Trust you with our sorrows
You're the song of our hearts

We're dancing to the rhythm of your heart
We're rising from the ashes to the stars

You're the joy joy joy lighting my soul
The joy joy joy making me whole
Though I'm broken, I am running 
Into your arms of love

In the shadows
In the sorrows
In the desert
When the pain hits
You are constant
Ever-present
You're the song of my heart

You're the JOY JOY JOY

Yes, this blog will feature a lot of Rend Collective. They happen to be my absolute favorite. But I do want to share another song video with you. Just one more that I touched on here, even though I know I referenced at least 15 other songs too. I tend to speak in song lyrics a lot.

Zach Williams says there ain't nothing gonna steal my joy!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7