I Know Who Goes Before Me

Being a police officer’s wife comes with many challenges. I spend many of my days in constant prayer for his safety and protection, that he would remain a bright light in the darkest of places, that he would hold on to hope when walking into situations that are full of despair, pain, and anger. I pray that he would remember his purpose and greater calling in this world when those he tries to help turn on him, when the world hates him just because of the badge he wears.  

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

Matthew 5:9

Being a police officer’s wife means that when I hear sirens, I hold my breath just a little and pray. It means that when the clock shows that his shift is over I anxiously check out front for his car to pull up, then I can breathe again. It means that if it’s 30 minutes past shift and I haven’t heard from him, he gets a text (45 minutes gets a phone call). He has learned to let me know if he’s going to be late, which happens often. It means that the sound of Velcro provides a soothing peace in our home, it means he has returned home safely another day. It means that I always answer a local phone number, just in case someone is trying to reach me in an emergency. It means that you dread getting a phone call that your heart prepares for but is never ready for.

10 years ago I received that phone call.

10 years ago today I was sitting in my mom’s kitchen. We were planning out a friend’s upcoming baby shower. I myself was around 8 weeks pregnant with our first baby and so excited. We had just started telling people. I will never forget the phone call I got from my husband’s police department that afternoon. The voice of the Deputy Chief said, “Sarah, Jim was in an accident today and he is at the hospital. I know that you are pregnant, so I want you to stay calm. Is there someone with you? Can someone drive you?”

I can only imagine what was going through my mom’s mind while she watched me and listened to my side of that phone call. I hung up the phone and told my mom that I needed to get to the hospital. Could she drive me? We left right away. I will never forget how my mom prayed during that car ride; calmly but fiercely. We didn’t know yet what happened, we didn’t know how bad it was, we didn’t know what we would be walking in to.

We arrived at the hospital and were met at the door by the Deputy Chief. He walked us to the emergency room where my husband was, and explained what had happened. Jim was lights & sirens on his way to a call, a car pulled out in front of him and he T-boned it. I was told that Jim called in his own ambulance and was conscious and alert when the paramedics arrived. After talking with the EMT for a few minutes, he suddenly asked what happened? The effects of his head injury were kicking in.

As I walked the hallways of the hospital, with my mom on one side and the Deputy Chief on the other, I could hear him. As we got closer to the emergency room, I heard my husband calling out. On repeat, he was asking “what happened? Where is my wife? I’m so thirsty.” 10 years ago and I can still hear him, and I remember every detail of this moment.

To the left was the nurses station, all of the ER nurses on shift were standing at the from counter. They were very still, calm, but with so much emotion in their eyes. In front of the counter were his fellow officers, his blue family, standing by and watching their brother. All of them had tears in their eyes. A woman approached me, a lifeline paramedic who explained to me that they were going to take him to Rockford in a helicopter, once they controlled his bleeding and he was stable. She handed me his wedding ring, and I held it tightly in my hand for the next 4 hours. They needed me to help keep him calm, to hold his head still so they could see his injury and control the bleeding.  

I looked to the right and there were two areas divided by curtains. On one side was a person covered in a white sheet, on the other side was my husband. I remember praying over that person under the white sheet, and feeling so thankful that it wasn’t the other way around. I saw my husband, on a stretcher, covered in blood, surrounded by his firefighter/paramedic friends who were busy working hard to keep him stable. There was also the lifeline crew who were getting him ready to move. I will never forget the fire fighter paramedic that was sitting by Jim’s head, trying to help him be calm and stay still. He told me that Jim needed to see me and that I should talk to him to help him relax. His head was constricted so he could only look straight up. He eyes were darting around the room as he kept asking what happened, where is my wife. I had to stand on my tip toes to lean over the front of his face so he could see me. The next several minutes consisted of this conversation over and over again.

Jim: What happened?

Me: You were in an accident.

Jim: Ok. Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

Jim: I’m so thirsty.

Me: I know.

Repeat.

His words, his questions were simple. The way he said them is hard to convey. There was a panic in his words, he would make sounds along with them and in between that let us know he was in so much pain. He was confused and afraid, and I felt so helpless. With tears in my eyes I kept answering his questions, and also telling him that he was going to be ok. I reassured him that I was right there and it was going to be ok. I tried to believe those words myself, I prayed that it was going to be ok.

They loaded him in to the helicopter to take him to the hospital in Rockford. I would have to meet him there. I got back in the car with my mom and she drove me there. It was mostly a silent drive, but I will never forget her reaching her hand to take mine and praying desperately. We still didn’t know how bad his injuries were, and that 40 minute drive to the hospital seemed to take forever.

We got to the hospital and were led to a private waiting room. Several of our family members and friends were already there (we had made calls on the way). I was told that Jim was in ICU and I could see him when he was moved to the ER. In this time of waiting, we were told that the people in the other car didn’t make it. I grieved for the family of the couple that were gone, I know how easily the situation could have been reversed.

When I was finally able to see my husband again, he was more aware and was starting to understand what had happened now. I walked into the room and they handed me a bag of his things that they were able to recover. His uniform and vest had to be cut off, I could see them laying off to the side. I will always remember the sight of his blood on the floor, and the dried blood up and down his arms, and all over his face. By this point, he had already been told the details of the accident. I entered the room as one of the department detectives walked out. This is another moment I will always remember. My husband asking me if I had been told what happened, how the people in the other car didn’t make it. Through tears he asked me to hold his hand, he asked me to pray.

He was admitted to the hospital and was moved to a regular room. In the hours that followed we found out that he had severed a tendon in his hand, he had a pretty decent cut to the side of his head, but there was no injury to his skull or his brain. Praise the Lord. He was pretty banged up, but the list of all of the things that COULD have happened but didn’t is simply a miracle. I look back on this and am still in shock that he was able to go home the next day. He only spent one night in the hospital. He walked into our home the very next day. Recovery was a long road, and there are still some lasting side effects, but I am beyond thankful everyday for God allowing my husband to walk away from what could have been the end of his story.

10 years later I look back at this time in our life. I think I will always remember every detail. I can go right back to that day, the sounds, what I saw, what I felt. All of those things feel like it just happened, it feels so fresh when I let my mind go back. 

But now when I go back, I see Jesus. Every detail, I can see God working things out for our good. I could be angry at God for allowing this to happen at all,  or I could acknowledge Him and praise Him for being there when I needed Him most. I choose to praise Him.

I praise Him that my husband lived.

I praise Him for surrounding me with people who love us, prayed for us, served us during this time.

I praise Him for the fact that I was with my mom when this happened. I was told that before they found my cell phone number they sent a County Deputy to my house to drive me to the hospital! I can’t imagine how that would have felt being alone and answering the door to see an officer there with this news about my husband’s accident.

I praise Him for hearing my prayer. I am thankful for a God who listens, who knows my name, and hears me when I call.

I praise Him for the timing of it all. If it had to happen, I’m glad that it happened before our child was born. It happened while I had just left my full-time job to go back to school, so I didn’t have to worry about taking time off or anything like that. Jim ended up being off work for almost a year, allowing him to go with me to every prenantal appointment and be home for the first few months of our daughter’s life. I will always be thankful for that time we had.

"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

So many details of this part of our story bring strong emotions, and I always cry when I travel back. I am always so amazed that I can remember every detail, especially when Jim told me he was going to be sick and I quickly found a pink basin for him to throw up in (in turn, dripping blood from his head onto my shoes and getting a little vomit on my arms). True love folks. I also always laugh when I think of how Jim was dressed when he left the hospital. He of course didn’t have any clothes and I had asked my brother if he could pick him up something to wear home. My brother proudly came to the hospital with what I believe was a happy face tee shirt, some pajama pants, and a bucket hat (you know, because of the head injury), and a pair of spongebob boxer shorts. Special thanks to Dave for making us laugh and smile that day, I will never forget that part.

When I think about this part of our story, and our journey since, the words of this song come to mind.

“I know who goes before me,

I know who goes behind.

The God of angel armies is always by my side.”

The God of angel armies was with my husband that day. He was already at the hospital with Jim before I was. He was leading me and walking behind me in the hallways of the hospital. Whom shall I fear?

Wherever you find yourself in life’s journey, I assure you that God is already there. He walks the path before us so we can trust in Him when we get there. He is our strength, He is our back-up. He stands behind us and will catch us when we fall. God is always there and He is always good. You may not see it in the moment, but He is there and He hears you call.

Whom shall we fear?

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be discouraged, for I am your God: I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble."

Psalm 46: 1