I Lift My Eyes Unto the Hills

My family and I just spent a week in Tennessee among the great smoky mountains. It was a much needed escape for us, and a very welcomed change of scenery. We are in a season of great sorrow and it was good for us to spend time together as a family, surrounded by the beauty of God’s wonderful creation. The mountains reminded us of His power, how He is mighty, and strong, and always there for us.

I’ve shared here about our son Silas who was born in Heaven last year when I was 16 weeks pregnant. We miss him terribly and mourn the loss of these months that would have been his first year. We grieve over missing our future with him and seeing him grow. I wonder if he would’ve looked like his daddy. If he would have his sister’s smile.

Last month, Silas was joined in heaven by his little sibling. I was 16 weeks pregnant with our fourth child when we had to say goodbye to another precious baby. Oh how it hurts an already wounded heart to have to experience that pain all over again. There are days that I wonder if my heart will ever stop hurting. I wonder if I will have the strength to keep going. Gone was the excitement of planning for this addition to our family. Gone was my joy of being pregnant and feeling this new life growing inside me. Gone were my dreams of having another baby in my arms, and snuggling a newborn to my chest.

The week before we left for Tennessee our very first “baby”, our family dog that we had for 11 years, died at home. Our yellow lab Wrigley was a part of our family. My husband and I brought him home on our first wedding anniversary. Both of our girls loved him so much, and he loved them too from the minute they came home from the hospital. Losing Wrigley left a quiet sadness around our home. Gone were the clicks of his feet on the wood floor. Gone was the furry face to greet us when we came in the door.

Gone.

So much loss. So much pain. It feels like you will hurt forever. Heartbroken with no healing in sight.

And yet, in this season of heavy feelings; a season of sorrow, anger, disbelief, confusion, and mourning, there is also hope. There is joy for the morning. There is a peace that passes our understanding. There is a love that shines bright in the darkness.

There is God. Oh, always there is God! Even in the deepest darkest valley, there is light if you know where to look. If you are willing to see it, to feel it, the light is there.

This world is broken. There are things that happen here because of it’s brokenness. Pain, suffering, hurt, all of those are part of this human existence in a fallen world full of sin and death. God never promised us that this life would be easy, far from it. He told us that this life would be hard. But he promised that He would always be there for us. He will never leave us. He promised us hope for a future with Him where they would be no more pain and no more tears. We need only to be still, to believe in His promises, to accept Him and love Him and follow His path.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! For I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

That is good news for us all. My family finds so much peace and joy in the fact that our two precious babies are in Heaven with Jesus. That we can join them one day on the streets of gold. What a day of rejoicing that will be!

Until that day, we wait, and we press on. We cling to Jesus and God’s promise for us. We surround ourselves with worship to the God who will make all things new.

Trusting in God and His plan and promise for an end to our suffering is not always easy. I often have people comment to me that they just don’t know how I can have this faith. The more time you spend with God, the more of His presence you will feel in your life. The more that you trust God and go to Him with the little things, the easier it will be to find Him in the big things. God is good always, in all things He is there working for our good. For that, we always have a reason to praise him, even in the storm.

I was sure by now,

God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away.

Stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say Amen

And it’s still raining.

As the thunder rolls,

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

I’m with you.

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

And I’ll praise you in this storm,

And I will lift my hands.

That you are who you are

No matter where I am.

And every tear I’ve cried

You hold in your hand.

You never left my side.

And though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in this storm.

Having faith and trust in the Lord does not mean that your hurt goes away. As long as we are this side of Heaven we will have to walk through seasons of pain. My heart won’t be completely healed until I hold my two babies in heaven while we all sit at the feet of Jesus. For now, I will praise the one who gave His life so that we can live.

While exploring the Great Smoky Mountain National Park, my family hiked up to Clingman’s Dome observation tower. To get to the tower, it is a half mile up hill trek. Working our way up this hill was no easy feat, especially with two little girls. It was hard. It was hot. We had to stop often to rest our legs and calm our heart rates. Even though my husband and I could have kept going, we stopped when our girls needed to. We were patient with them, encouraging, and allowed them to go at their own speed. When you look around at the others walking with you, you notice the same tired and defeated look int heir face. Yet they keep going. Even when we couldn’t see the end, we knew it was there. We knew that it would be worth it to be at the top, so we kept moving.

There were people on the other side of the path coming down. They had already made it through the uphill climb. They had already been to the top and enjoyed the view. They were smiling, and laughing, and not weary looking at all. Some looked at our faces and gave us encouragement, “you’re almost there!”, they said. “It’s just at the top of that curve”, “It’s almost over”, they called out to us. Others who had gone before us had made it, and it gave us hope and motivation to keep going.

We made it to the top and found our joy again. We stood in awe of the scenic view of the mountains that were spread out before us. We were thankful for the journey that led us to that moment.

On our way down, feeling much less weary and defeated than before, we saw those climbing up the hill. We recognized those tired faces as our own and remembered how it felt to make the difficult journey up. We called out, “you’re doing great guys, you are almost there!”, “it’s just a little bit further, you’re so close!”. They saw us and knew that they would make it just like we did. Their faces lit up when they knew the promise of the destination was near.

This experience made me think about my faith and my journey with pain and grief. There is joy, there is a future coming that will be worth the struggle, keep going. It’s hard now. It hurts now. I am tired. But there is an end in sight. There is joy in the morning. There is dancing that will happen on the hilltop. Keep your eyes on Jesus and keep going. Encourage others in their walk, share in their struggle, and help them keep going.

You are not in this life alone. Lift your eyes to the hills!

I lift my eyes unto the hills,

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

The maker of Heaven and earth.

{praise you in this storm/Casting Crowns}